i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
