You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
