made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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