so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
