All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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