You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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