Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
