Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
