Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
