Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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