ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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