Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
