you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
