dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
