Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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