If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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