P.S. I can't hear my feet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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