I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
