i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
