ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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