I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
