she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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