Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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