Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
