the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
