you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
