i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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