No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
