i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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