we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
