So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
