walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
