woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
