This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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