I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
