This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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