Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
