so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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