textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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