You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
