Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
