Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
