This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
