Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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