She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
