I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
