This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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