i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
