if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
