Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
